Today I thought I’d write a bit about a problem I have struggled with a lot, that decided to rear its ugly head last week. That is my old friend perfectionism.
When I was in primary school, I was famous (infamous?) for being the only student whose parents had to be called in because I was working too hard. Remember, I went to a London primary school that thrived on pushing kids and had no room for any of this “let kids be kids” kind of talk. In fact, I think my headmistress might have been scandalised by the very idea of that. Yet I managed to be too much of a perfectionist, even for them. Can’t win with some people, can you?
And perfectionism is not something that I left in primary school. Granted, it’s not as bad as it used to be, but I’m still unnecessarily hard on myself if I don’t meet ridiculous self-imposed deadlines and goals, whether it’s in school, my personal life, or writing.
This week, this problem decided to manifest itself by telling me that everything I write it terrible. As I only just signed with Natascha, I have a bit of time before she sends me any edits to work on from MS1. This seemed like the perfect opportunity to finish my current WIP, which is right now in mid-climax. (I feel a bit bad actually – I’ve left these characters stuck in quite a precarious situation over the last few weeks while I’ve been stressing instead of writing. Sorry guys!)
I even had a few handwritten pages that needed typing up before I could continue on – which is usually a great way to get myself back into the story. But as soon as I started transcribing them, the little nagging voice of perfectionism in my brain wouldn’t shut up. This voice is similar to an “inner editor”, but far less constructive in its criticism and more difficult (well, for me anyway) to tame.
I managed to get through the typing up, just about, and promptly got stuck. It wasn’t that I couldn’t write at all, it just wasn’t flowing. Every word was dragged from me kicking and screaming. And there really is no reason; I know exactly where this scene is going. I have the whole ending plotted out in great detail.
And one evening I got frustrated with it. The scene wasn’t working properly, and every sentence felt like there was something wrong with it. And that was when I had an epiphany. This is the same epiphany I have had multiple times before, but apparently I don’t learn from experience because every time it happens again. For anyone who’s ever written anything, it’s also super obvious so bear with me (my perfectionism also has short-term memory loss).
This is a first draft.
It doesn’t have to be perfect. By any stretch of the term. I can use the word “twisted” a million times in a row if I want (which I do, I have some kind of obsession with it for some reason…). I can describe things badly. I can have inconsistencies. I don’t even have to write every sentence in full if I don’t want to. I can write “they throw spells at each other and generally he is a bitch” if I want to. Because this is a first draft.
I know this is one of the most basic things you learn when you write your first full book, but it’s something that I come back to over and over. As I’ve been editing a lot recently, it can be difficult to switch from the editing brain to the writing brain. Plus, I think all the excitement and craziness of the last few weeks finally caught up with me. My inner demon critic couldn’t stop pointing out that I have now signed with an agent, doesn’t that mean I’m meant be good at writing or something? So why are you just writing rubbish? Why is all your imagery terrible? This dialogue sounds like it was written by a robot who’s never met a human before. If anyone read any of this, they’d be shocked that anyone ever did anything with your MS other than burn it.
Of course logically, I know that doesn’t make sense. I know that the first draft doesn’t have to be (and never will be) perfect. In fact, even the 70th draft won’t be perfect. I mean, I drafted this blog post enough times and it’s still not perfect!
I should probably put a sticky note on my laptop saying that. Or paint it on my ceiling. Or maybe tattoo it on the back of my hand? Either way, I’m hoping this realisation will pull me out of the slump – I’m planning on spending tomorrow getting this scene finished. Even if that means the dialogue isn’t perfect, or the fight sequence doesn’t quite make sense yet. Because this is a first draft.
For anyone else also struggling with first draft perfectionism, I also suggest following Victoria Schwab on Twitter/YouTube. She’s a bestselling author of 13 books and still struggles with this, which certainly helped me feel less alone with these feelings.
Have you guys struggled with this? What do you do to get through it? Want to get matching “first drafts aren’t perfect” tattoos? Let me know in the comments!
(I should mention: I wrote this about a week and a half ago, and was delayed in posting because I hadn’t announced I’d signed with Natascha yet, and didn’t want to spam with blog posts. The good news is I did manage to pull out of my slump, and I finished my WIP! So, for now, the beast has been tamed. Until next time, of course….)